Dating Advice From The Past Part 4

pciprotti
Nov 13, 2024
8 min read

In the ever-changing tapestry of love and relationships, the ancient school of thought known as Stoicism provides a refreshing lens through which to navigate the intricacies of the human heart. Originating in ancient Greece, Stoicism places great emphasis on fostering virtues such as wisdom, courage, temperance, and notably, justice. It is the principle of justice that is regarded as the cornerstone for unlocking a harmonious and fulfilling dating life.

Stoicism guides us to embrace rationality, self-control, and a profound reverence for the natural order of existence. By aligning our thoughts and deeds with these principles, we can attain a sense of tranquility and contentment, even amidst life's inevitable trials. Within the realm of dating, the Stoic principle of justice acts as a beacon, aiding us in striking a delicate equilibrium between our own desires and the well-being of others.

The final part of our 4 part series, dives headlong into the concept of Stoic justice, and how embodying it can lead to more successful dating and relationships.

The Principle of Justice in Stoicism

“Live out your life in truth and justice, tolerant of those who are neither true nor just.” - Marcus Aurelius

The principle of justice in Stoicism transcends mere adherence to legal frameworks and judicial proceedings. It embodies a profound commitment, by individuals, to fairness, equitability, and reverence for the rights and dignity of every individual. The principle of justice is often called the fundamental virtue, by leading Stoics who sought ways to inspire us to treat the people we touch, well. When applied to the realm of dating, justice dictates that we approach our potential partners with the highest degree of consideration and ethical conduct, acknowledging and affirming their inherent value and autonomy.

The Stoics, drawing from their metaphysical convictions regarding the universe's structure, embraced the concept of everything being intricately interconnected. They named this profound interconnectedness "Sympatheia."

In the context of dating, the pursuit of justice entails engaging in each interaction with unwavering honesty, transparency, and a genuine eagerness to comprehend and honor the perspectives of others as a way to bolster our sympatheia. It necessitates a conscientious awareness of our words and deeds, ensuring they do not cause harm or exhibit disrespect towards those we seek to engage with romantically. By embracing the Stoic principle of justice, we foster an atmosphere of mutual esteem and confidence, establishing the groundwork for meaningful and enduring connections.

The importance of balance in love and dating

Love is a beautiful and intricate dance shared between two people, each with their own hopes, dreams, and limits. Finding the right balance in a relationship is essential for its lasting success and contentment. When the stoics talk about justice they talk about it as a relationship stabilizer, ensuring that neither person compromises their well-being or values in the pursuit of love. This is an important ballast against the flightly and unpredictable emotions we feel while falling in love.

In the heat of passion, it's easy to overlook the significance of fairness and mutual giving. However, by embracing the Stoic principle of justice, we can approach the complexities of dating with a clear and thoughtful mindset. This teaches us to honor our partner's independence while also respecting our own needs and boundaries, leading to a beautiful equilibrium that fosters mutual growth and understanding.

How to maintain a sense of justice in your dating life

“And a commitment to justice in your own acts. Which means: thought and action resulting in the common good. What you were born to do.” — Marcus Aurelius

Maintaining a sense of justice in your dating life requires a conscious effort and a willingness to embrace the Stoic principles. Here are some practical steps you can take:

Cultivate self-awareness: Understand your own values, boundaries, and non-negotiables. This self-knowledge will serve as a compass, guiding you towards relationships that align with your principles and respect your worth.
Practice active listening: Truly listen to your potential partner's perspectives, needs, and concerns. Seek to understand their viewpoint without judgment, and respond with empathy and consideration. Do: focus on what your date is saying, implying, and/or intonating. Don’t: Focus on your next question, your next response, or how you might be coming off. Most people you date will not remember the words you say (so it’s ok to sound a bit unpolished)- they will remember how you made them feel.
Communicate openly and honestly: Embrace transparency in your interactions. Express your thoughts, feelings, and/or ideas with clarity and respect, and encourage your partner to do the same. Open communication fosters trust and mutual understanding.
Respect boundaries: Recognize and honor the boundaries set by both yourself and your partner. Boundaries are not limitations but rather a manifestation of self-respect and a commitment to healthy relationships.
Seek balance and compromise: While upholding your principles, remain open to finding common ground and compromising when necessary. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual understanding and a willingness to meet each other halfway.

Applying the principle of justice in dating and romantic relationships

Just that you do the right thing. The rest does not matter.– Marcus Aurelius,

Embracing the Stoic principle of justice in your dating life can profoundly impact the quality and longevity of your relationships. Here are some practical applications:

Treat potential partners with respect: Regardless of whether a connection blossoms into a lasting relationship, treat every person you interact with as an equal, deserving of dignity and consideration. This can be hard to do if the person, or the date, is an absolute nightmare. Rising above your impulsive emotions, and the distractions they bring, is key to maintaining respect in tough situations. Take the 30,000 foot view: This moment shall pass; this person can be moved beyond; nothing happening in that moment is cause for permanent damage- unless you allow it to be so.
Avoid manipulation or deception: Honesty and transparency should be the cornerstones of your dating interactions. Refrain from engaging in manipulative tactics or withholding important information that could influence your partner's decisions.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say: There are times and places for mischievousness when seducing your prey. However, on balance clarity is your friend when it comes to communicating honestly. Drop worries of judgment, by your date, and drop concerns about sounding a “particular way”. Game playing is fairly overrated, and can go wrong very quickly.
Encourage open communication: Foster an environment where both parties feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or retaliation. This is not the same as unfettered validation, or denying things you think are true. You don’t have to on-board everything your date is saying as truth. However, the key is allowing for the space between you such that your dates feels they can say “anything”, without fear.

Overcoming common challenges in dating with stoic principles

Dating can be a tumultuous journey, fraught with emotional highs and lows, miscommunications, and unforeseen challenges. However, by embracing the Stoic principles of justice, wisdom, and self-control, you can navigate these obstacles with grace and resilience.

Dealing with rejection: Rejection is an inevitable part of the dating experience. Instead of allowing it to consume you with bitterness or self-doubt, approach it with the Stoic principle of equanimity. Recognize that rejection is not a reflection of your worth, but rather a natural consequence of the inherent diversity of human preferences and compatibility. Additionally, while we can focus on things we control (our game, how we dress, how we project, etc), there is at least 50% we can’t control….because we can’t control the other person. And they may be making rational, and irrational, decisions for a wide variety of reasons. I've had clients tell me they have rejected pick up attempts because the guy looked like a movie character they hated. How on earth, could that rejected man control that! Spend time and energy on what you can control, and let go totally what you can’t.
Managing unrequited feelings: Unrequited love can be a painful experience, but the Stoic principle of justice reminds us to respect the autonomy and choices of others. While it is natural to feel disappointment, dwelling on these feelings or harboring resentment is counterproductive. Instead, practice self-compassion and focus on cultivating a sense of inner peace and contentment.
Navigating conflicts and disagreements: Conflicts and disagreements are bound to arise in any relationship. The Stoic principle of justice encourages us to approach these situations with objectivity and a willingness to understand both perspectives. Seek to find common ground and compromise, rather than engaging in power struggles or harboring resentment.
Maintaining healthy boundaries: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for preserving your sense of self and emotional well-being. The Stoic principle of justice reminds us to respect our own boundaries while also honoring those of our partner. Clear communication and mutual understanding are key to navigating this delicate balance.

The role of justice in long-term relationships and marriage

“The good of the people is the chief law.” – Cicero

The Stoic principle of justice is not limited to the initial stages of dating; it remains a vital component in sustaining long-term relationships and marriages. As relationships evolve and deepen, the need for fairness, respect, and mutual understanding becomes even more crucial.

In long-term partnerships, justice manifests itself in various ways:

Agreed upon distribution of responsibilities: Ensuring that family duties, financial obligations, and other responsibilities are shared in a fair and balanced manner, without overburdening one partner. Not that this does not necessarily mean each partner does the same job equally at the same time. Engage eachother in a dialogue. Couples with traditional views on roles will break them up one way, and couples with non-traditional views on roles will break them up in an entirely different way. The key is general agreement and tranquility.
Respecting each other's individuality: Recognizing and celebrating each partner's unique interests, goals, and personal growth, while providing the space and support needed for individual pursuits.
Resolving conflicts constructively: Approaching disagreements and conflicts with a spirit of understanding and a willingness to find mutually acceptable solutions, rather than resorting to blame or resentment. Relationship dynamics will play a large part in this process.
Maintaining open and honest communication: Fostering an environment of trust and transparency, where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or retaliation.

By embracing the Stoic principle of justice in your long-term relationship or marriage, you create a foundation of mutual respect and trust. This foundation not only strengthens the bond between partners but also serves as a model for future generations, instilling the values of justice and equality in the hearts and minds of those around you.

Conclusion: Embracing the stoic principle of justice for a fulfilling love life

“Justice is the crowning glory of the virtues.” -Cicero

In the intricate and nuanced realm of love and relationships, the timeless Stoic principle of justice shines as a guiding light, illuminating the path towards mutual respect, profound understanding, and ultimate fulfillment. When we wholeheartedly embrace this ancient philosophy, we weave a tapestry of balanced connections, rooted in integrity and general fairness.

While the journey of love is fraught with challenges, embodying the Stoic virtues of justice, wisdom, and self-control equips us with the essential tools to navigate these obstacles with elegance and resilience. We learn to honor the autonomy and boundaries of our partners, while also upholding our own needs and values, fostering an environment of growth, empathy, and enduring connections.

Genuine love transcends mere fleeting passion, entailing a steadfast commitment to nurturing a profound and unwavering respect for one another. Through the embracing of the Stoic principle of justice, we elevate our romantic experiences to a celestial sphere, where authentic connections, empathic understanding, and personal evolution stand as the foundational pillars of our amorous pursuits.

By immersing ourselves in the profound wisdom of the antique Stoics and allowing the principle of justice to chart our course, we can embark on a journey towards a love life that is enriching and rewarding. Ultimately, it is justice that ensures both partners move in perfect harmony, their steps in synchrony, and their spirits intertwined in a symphony of mutual respect and understanding.

For expert guidance on how to integrate the Stoic principles of justice into your love life, consider scheduling a transformative session with Open Heart Academy Coaching. I’ll be happy to accompany you on this enlightening journey, facilitating a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationships, and empowering you to navigate the intricacies of dating with sagacity, grace, and an unwavering commitment to the general good, and mutual respect.