Dating Advice From The Past Part 3

In today's world, where human relationships are constantly changing, Stoicism offers a timeless framework for dealing with the complexities of dating and love. Stoicism, a philosophy that originated in ancient Greece, emphasizes the development of virtues such as wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance. It is the virtue of temperance that is particularly important for navigating the challenges of dating with grace and composure.

Stoicism teaches that true happiness comes from within rather than from external circumstances.

“External things are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” – Marcus Aurelius

By embracing the principle of temperance, you can develop a mindset that rises above the intense emotions often associated with dating, allowing you to approach romantic relationships with a calm and balanced perspective.

The Principle of Temperance in Stoicism

“Curb your desire — don’t set your heart on so many things and you will get what you need.” – Epictetus

Temperance, in the Stoic context, involves practicing moderation and self-restraint. It encourages individuals to control their desires, emotions, and impulses, preventing them from being controlled by their passions. The Stoics believed that by mastering temperance, one could achieve a state of tranquility and freedom from the turmoil of unrestrained emotions.

In the world of dating, temperance acts as a guiding principle, helping you navigate the often turbulent waters of romantic encounters with poise and composure. It enables you to approach potential partners with a clear mind, free from the influence of intense emotions or unrealistic expectations.

This isn’t to say one need be robotic and unfeeling, that might take you away from the great feelings that dating/relationships bring. The question really comes down to what is in control- what is controlling your thoughts, emotions, and ultimately your behaviors.

Understanding the importance of self-control in dating

In the throes of romantic attraction, it can be easy to lose sight of one's sense of self and succumb to impulsive behavior or intense emotions. However, the Stoic principle of temperance encourages you to maintain a firm grasp on your self-control, ensuring that your actions and decisions are guided by reason and wisdom rather than fleeting desires or infatuation.

By exercising self-control, you can avoid the pitfalls of rash decisions, such as rushing into commitments prematurely or engaging in behaviors that may compromise your values or integrity. Instead, you can approach each situation with a level head, carefully considering the potential consequences of your actions and making choices that align with your long-term goals and well-being.

If you’ve ever left a relationship, or date, and looked back with regret regarding the way in which you allowed yourself to compromise your belief system, or your values, then you know the kind of effect this can have on self-esteem and accumulation of regret. Doing things you didn’t recognize, acting in ways that seem foreign to you, these regrets can pile up into something amounting to shame. And that shame can often trap you in a self-immolation that impact your well-being and your ability to attract others.

Practicing moderation in emotions and desires

“Stop allowing your mind to be a slave, to be jerked about by selfish impulses, to kick against fate and the present, and to mistrust the future” Marcus Aurelius

The dating world is often characterized by intense emotions, ranging from euphoric highs to crushing lows. The Stoic approach to temperance encourages you to maintain a balanced perspective, neither becoming overly elated by positive experiences nor devastated by setbacks or rejections.

Daniel Goldman, who wrote “Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ”, said:

“When emotions are too muted they create dullness and distance; when out of control, too extreme and persistent, they become pathological, as in immobilizing depression, overwhelming anxiety, raging anger, manic agitation. Indeed, keeping our distressing emotions in check is the key to emotional well-being; extremes—emotions that wax too intensely or for too long—undermine our stability. Just as there is a steady murmur of background thoughts in the mind, there is a constant emotional hum.”

By practicing moderation in your emotions, you can cultivate a more resilient mindset, better equipped to handle the inevitable ups and downs of the dating journey. Instead of allowing your emotions to dictate your actions, you can respond to situations with thoughtfulness and composure, making decisions based on reason and logic rather than fleeting emotional states.

Cultivating patience and resilience in dating

The pursuit of romantic connections often involves periods of uncertainty, disappointment, and rejection. The Stoic principle of temperance encourages you to cultivate patience and resilience, recognizing that these challenges are a natural part of the dating process and that perseverance is key to achieving lasting fulfillment.

By embracing patience, you can avoid the temptation to rush into relationships or make hasty decisions driven by a desire for immediate gratification. Instead, you can approach each potential connection with a measured pace, allowing relationships to unfold naturally and organically, without forcing outcomes or compromising your values.

Resilience, on the other hand, equips you with the mental fortitude to bounce back from setbacks and disappointments. Rather than allowing rejection or heartbreak to consume you, you can view these experiences as opportunities for growth and self-reflection, learning valuable lessons that will serve you well in future relationships.

Developing empathy and understanding in relationships

While the principle of temperance emphasizes self-control and moderation, it also encourages the cultivation of empathy and understanding towards others. In the context of dating and relationships, this means approaching potential partners with an open mind and a willingness to understand their perspectives, experiences, and emotions.

By developing empathy, you can create deeper connections built on mutual respect and understanding. Instead of imposing your own expectations or preconceived notions, you can strive to truly listen and comprehend the unique perspectives of those you interact with, fostering an environment of open communication and trust.

Furthermore, embracing empathy can help you navigate conflicts or disagreements in a more constructive manner. Rather than reacting impulsively or allowing emotions to escalate, you can approach disagreements with a level head, seeking to understand the other person's point of view and finding mutually agreeable solutions.

Applying temperance in dating and relationships

“Our life should observe a happy medium between the ways of a sage and the ways of the world at large; all men should admire it, but they should understand it also” -Seneca

Embracing the principle of temperance in your dating life can have profound effects on your overall experience and the quality of your connections. By practicing moderation and self-control, you can cultivate a more grounded and authentic approach to relationships, fostering deeper connections based on mutual understanding and respect.

Applying temperance in dating might look like the following:

• Before a date, conceptualize how intimate you want to get regardless of the potential “butterflies” or connection. Particularly early on, are there some limits you want to set.

• Rather than becoming anchored in a text conversation with someone you’re tryin to get to know better, give yourself phone-free breaks where you energies are spent on activities of self-improvement. Consider the impulses are driving you to constantly be looking towards texts, and responses, for approval.

• In moments of deep worry, or complete elation, if you feel your emotions may be getting too big to control- stop for a moment and ask yourself how these emotions are serving you. Re-engage with that person/situation/emotional state, after you’ve had a chance to answer

• Always provide yourself with two alternatives: “He may be pulling away because of something I’m doing/someone I am; or he may be pulling away because of something going on in him that I have no control over.” Give yourself reasonable alternatives in order to gain perspective.

  
  

Incorporating Stoic Practices Into Daily Life for Better Dating Experiences

To fully embrace the Stoic principle of temperance in your dating life, it is essential to incorporate Stoic practices into your daily routine. These practices can help cultivate the mindset and habits necessary for maintaining a balanced and grounded approach to relationships.

1. Mindfulness and Self-Reflection:

Engage in regular mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, to cultivate self-awareness and gain insight into your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This self-reflection can help you identify areas where you may be lacking in temperance and make necessary adjustments.

2. Stoic Readings and Contemplation:

Immerse yourself in the writings of Stoic philosophers, such as Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius. Their teachings and insights can serve as a constant reminder of the importance of temperance and provide practical guidance for applying these principles in your daily life.

3. Stoic Exercises:

Engage in Stoic exercises, such as negative visualization, voluntary discomfort, and/or objective description. These exercises take you out of the emotional and inject some distance and rationality into your thought process. Many of us spend a great deal of time in our heart, and gut; however, we need our rational mind just as much- in order to manage some of the emotions that might run us aground.

4. Cultivating Virtues:

Focus on developing the four cardinal virtues of Stoicism: wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance. By actively working on these virtues, you can create a solid foundation for navigating the complexities of dating and relationships with grace and equanimity.

To work with a master-certified dating coach, book a session with Open Heart Academy Coaching. This kind of life coaching can guide you in applying the principles of Stoicism to your dating life, helping you cultivate temperance, self-control, and a balanced approach to relationships.

Conclusion: Embracing the Stoic Principle of Temperance in Dating

In the ever-changing landscape of dating and relationships, the Stoic principle of temperance offers a timeless framework for navigating the complexities of romantic connections with grace, poise, and equanimity. By embracing temperance, you can cultivate self-control, moderation in emotions and desires, patience, resilience, and empathy – all essential qualities for building healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Remember, the path to lasting love and connection is not always smooth, but by adhering to the Stoic principles of temperance, you can approach each challenge with a level head and a grounded perspective. Embrace the wisdom of the ancient Stoics, and let temperance guide you towards a more balanced and authentic approach to dating, one that fosters genuine connections built on mutual understanding and respect.